Empathy is often confused with sympathy, which is the feeling of pity for someone else. Empathy, on the other hand, is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Empathy requires a person to be able to think about the feelings of others and to be there with that person in their time of need. Cognitively and developmentally, it requires perspective taking, flexibility, and social awareness.
At What Age Should a Child Show Empathy?
While some people may be naturally more empathetic than others, empathy is an ability that develops and is learned. The development of empathy tends to naturally happen as children get older due to a combination of biology and learned experiences. Research suggests that children begin to show signs of empathy as early as toddlerhood, understanding when someone is upset and mimicking comforting behaviors. However, it’s not until preschool years (4-5 years old) that children experience perspective-taking and begin to demonstrate cognitive empathy on their own.
What Does Empathy Look Like?
As children are learning empathy, they may demonstrate it in a number of ways:
- Giving a hug to a crying friend
- Recognizing emotions in the characters of a book or show
- Sharing their favorite toy
- Asking “what’s wrong”
Sometimes signs of empathy aren’t as easy to recognize. For example, a child may stare at a person who is crying or experiencing a distressing situation. As adults, this act of staring would be considered rude, but for children, this shows that they are processing the situation and recognizing that something is wrong. Even defiant behaviors can be a sign of empathy. A child may act out if their friend misses school or their family is experiencing hardship. It’s important to remember that empathy can bring up difficult feelings, which may cause a child to become dysregulated.
How Do I Help My Child With Empathy?
Many parents are fearful that their child has a lack of empathy. Parents often share that their child engages in callous or unemotional behaviors or that they do not take another person’s feelings into account during play or day-to-day activities. For a parent, it can feel unnerving to experience a lack of empathy from your child.
First, it’s important to remember that every child is learning and growing on their own timeline, and it may simply take some longer to develop this skill. Additionally, children with ADHD or ASD often struggle with the social awareness, perspective-taking, and communication skills required to experience and demonstrate empathy. But ALL children can learn skills to help them better understand others’ feelings and to develop empathy.
Model empathy for your child
The best way for a child to learn what empathy is is to feel empathy themselves. Next time your child is having a tough time and is engaging in disruptive behavior or a big emotion, see how you can respond with empathy. For example, if your child came home from school and expressed that their friend left them out of a game during recess, respond with empathy. Acknowledge your child’s feelings by saying something like, “That sounds like it was really hurtful to be left out today at recess.” Channel your own emotions and put yourself in your child’s shoes.
Model empathy for others
From a young age, we can help children to start engaging in perspective-taking through modeling. For younger children- you can model empathy towards characters in books, movies, or in play. For school-age or older children, you can focus on family members, friends, pets, or strangers. You can share empathetic statements that show you are taking the perspective of others like, “Simba seems very sad that he lost his father.”
You can also model how to support someone emphatically while your child is watching. For example, if you and your child are at someone’s house and they lost something important to them, you can engage in empathetic statements like, “I know this is hard, we are here with you.” Make sure you are using empathetic body language and facial expressions in front of your child so they have examples of what empathy towards others looks and feels like.
Another example, often common with toddlers, is how you can respond when your child hurts someone else. Rather than the standard, “Go say your sorry,” which merely teaches children to go through the motions of “saying sorry” without actually feeling sorry, model empathy. Express your own concern for the child who was hurt, and help your child develop care for the other child and awareness of their actions. “I can see that was really frustrating, but we know hurting others is never okay. Let’s go check on them and see how they’re feeling,” teaches children how to be empathic, even when they’ve acted inappropriately.
Play an “empathy I-spy” game
A great way to encourage perspective-taking and thoughtfulness towards others is to have children attempt to think about what others may be thinking or feeling when they are calm and excited. One way to do that is by making perspective-taking fun with a game of “empathy I-spy.”
To do so, sit with your child in a spot where you can see many people (i.e. a park bench overlooking a playground or a seat in a mall food court). Sit with your child and take turns determining what certain people may be feeling and what you could do to help. Model empathy towards others in your response. For example, you could say something like, “That little boy seems determined to get all the way across the monkey bars by himself. I can tell because he keeps trying and he is telling his dad not to help him. I would cheer him on to help him accomplish his goal.” Making perspective-taking a game encourages kids to engage and get excited about empathy.
Practice kindness and care
Similar to practicing genuine empathy towards your child, practicing genuine empathy towards others in your everyday life alongside your child can be a helpful way to engage your child in empathetic acts and model what it looks like. With your child by your side, hold a door for someone, help an elderly neighbor carry their groceries inside, or volunteer at an animal shelter. Ask your child how these behaviors helped others, how it may have made the other person feel, and how it made your child feel. Involve your child in the process of deciding where and how to serve.
Another way of developing empathy is by giving your child the responsibility to care for something. This could look like letting them pick out a plant and taking care of it together. If you already have a pet, or are interested in getting one, this can also be a great opportunity to discuss what the pet feels and needs. Playing pretend with toy babies is also a great way to practice care. Together, you can discuss how to care for the baby by feeding it, helping it when it’s sick or hurt, and showing it love and affection.
If your child is struggling with severe unemotional and/or malicious behaviors towards others, animals, or themselves reach out to their pediatrician to help learn more about managing these behaviors in another way.
Mightier can help your child increase their empathy by having them practice skills like emotional awareness and perspective-taking. Wondering if Mightier could be a fit for your family? Start a free trial!
